Surviving a World on Fire
12:13 AM
Unsay imong gipangbuhat haron dili ka mahutdan og paglaom tunga sa hinanapos natong kalibotan?
What do you do so you don't lose hope in our world on fire?
A question from the Bisaya Ugnayan deck that I am grappling with after watching the exposé of Bill Gates being directly involved with Epstein on the spread of COVID-19.
The most viral news is always the most terrible. Realizing just how fucked this world is makes staying informed very difficult, even debilitating for a person's mental health.
Shortly after that, my algorithm presented me with a woman who insisted that parents talk to their children about such issues, pointing out how the kids could be even more informed (and thus more intensely terrified) of the tsunami known as the Epstein files.
That is only one peak of a mountain of shit. There are infinitely more terrible things that one could unearth, that which victims and journalists experience without reprieve.
In times like these, I can only journal my thoughts to give clarity when things are chaotic. My own whirlpool of emotions has me cursing the fact that we must engage in commerce for this project. The only reason I would wish for all the money in the world is so that we could provide support for other people.
My own debt born from the pursuit of this big little dream becomes heavier each day, and the only thing I can do is delude myself into thinking things are going to get better.
What do I do so I don't lose hope? Right now, I feel powerless and cynical. We are but two people from the Global South against a world that has made it clear projects like this will be snuffed slowly and tortuously.
I apologize for this depressing article. I am trying to write a little more neutrally, but it is impossible. I am debating whether I should post this since the "brand" of the Balay is hopeful and full of color. Even when it is a deeply personal project, as the director, I must also balance how much of myself affects it.
I came across an Instagram post talking about how creatives are advised to be "more vulnerable" online to showcase "authenticity", and then explained how this would lead to a paradox of perfomativity. So it begs the question: who am I writing this for?
Myself, where I need to lay down and process the information I am bombarded with?
Or for you, the one reading this out of curiosity from the title? Someone that may relate.
Perhaps it is both. Perhaps I'm begging into the clearnet void for someone else to answer back, even if just to scream your own exhaustion and frustration with this world.
Update — 10:26 AM
Serenity as resistance
I made this collage a while back as my phone wallpaper to cope with this existential anxiety.
When I arrive at a point believing there is hardly any beauty left in the world, I look at this or my digital scrap journal to stabilize me. I first learned about scrap journaling from Zarah, an excellent photographer and all around amazing woman that is working her hardest to reach her own dreams.
Since then, I've made several collages and accompanying rambles.
Here's a snapshot of the first few slides in 2025. It breached over 150 at this point, so I had to separate it into a new 2026 file.
Sharing my self-affirmation in the second slide is a little embarassing, but one also needs to appreciate oneself when times get tough.
Going through some logs from a couple weeks back, I was reminded how I wanted to publish these feelings under the title “Survival Level: Intangible Despair” then “Oscillation”.
With an endeavor like this, it's easy to experience extreme highs and lows. Such is the blessing and curse of being able to feel fully, or to be passionate about something.
I wonder why it is hard to hold onto happiness when you try to call upon it in difficult times. I'm reminded of the Patronus Charm’s supposed difficulty from the now controversial Harry Potter series. Concentrating upon the happiest memory a person can conjure against the dementors, who incite the most terrifying and traumatic memories within you as they suck your soul away.
I've got a pretty interesting personal story relating to that, represented by the tattoo on my right arm, but I'll leave that for another time.
~ Nikki
